Collateral Damage

There is always that feeling of loss, I guess. You go and you realize you've left people behind -- not intentionally, but like the innocent caught in war, they are left hurt. Not that you yourself aren't hurting but regardless, it was a pain that you chose to bear. They didn't choose to be where they are.

I should really stop being so over-dramatic about this but as I've mentioned time and again, I have terrible attachment/detachment issues. I've learned to control it more but control for me only means not letting people know about how awful I feel seeing others leave or seeing them left behind. I guess I'm selfish and possessive that way of the people I really care about. I have delusions oftentimes that I am really a magnanimous, caring, and welcoming soul but to be honest I am quite reserved, mostly distrustful of attention, and skeptical of any good thrown at my way when I can't see the benefit it brings to the do-gooder.

I think making people happy is of prime importance, and because I am so bent on doing this I am often caught in situations which I know I'd be truly ashamed of afterwards. I've been really mean at times to make other people laugh and I guess I deserve to pay the price for whatever bad thing I've done for the sake of humor. In my defense, when confronted in my aloneness, I rarely act this way. However, it does not justify any of actions.

Maybe it pains me to sever ties with people so much that I end up mimicking them. I can be lame like that.

But oh well.

Uhm.

Ok, I'm stark-raving mad and I'm rambling. It's 4 AM. And just because it is, I'm posting this Gwen Stefani song. No deeper meaning to it.

Of Letting Go and Moving On

Once again, things are changing. The wheel is moving once again and I've chosen to be in another place. 

The realization came to me while traveling to work. I suppose I've never really thought much about the choices I've made the past few days, only picking what I thought were highly interesting, like a kid inside a candy store choosing the most colorful sweets. I guess I've never really confronted the gravity of my choices, not until the recent ride struck me with an epiphany that has now left me with an unsure smile on my face.

I am happy with my decision. For the record, I do not regret having decided on being part of yet another adventure. Brave new frontiers are always exciting -- unfamiliar landscapes, foreign cultures, a different set of people to mingle and talk to: all these things make the journey worth it. Yet, going to the next chapter of my life does not diminish the value of the last. If anything, I think the past two years have strengthened me enough to face the next challenge. 

There are always regrets. Things I've done, things I should've done, things I shouldn't have, people I should've been braver to confront, people I should've been wiser to avoid -- there are always things that will make me feel bad. It's foolish to even think that there is nothing to regret about. But when I summon all the courage to say "no regrets", it is in the belief that regretting will only hamper my growth. There are lessons waiting to be learned and that's what I should focus on -- the wisdom I can take away from the craziness and impulsiveness of the past two years.

I've met people along the way and I hope I made positive contributions in their life. Some of them have already left for better opportunities; some are staying because they believe it is where their fate lies. Regardless of their motivations or reasons, I sincerely hope that I've affected them in ways that they will cherish for life. Not to be sappy about it, but then, we all hope for anchors to affirm our existence. In the end, perhaps there really is no good or bad, only nothingness and the peace of emptiness. Faced with that, I fervently wish that at least I've caused happiness in one way or another, or have atoned for my faults against them, whatever these wrongs may be. 

The struggle really is in the daily details. And struggle, I have -- the cigarettes I should've thrown away, the cruel words I never should've uttered, and many other things. But what is done is done and one cannot do more about it except go on and be the better version of one's self. And I hope that's where I'm heading -- being the better me. As corny and as "Eat, Pray, Love" as it may sound, I just hope that I'm becoming better and I'm learning my lessons well. Although I staunchly affirm my disbelief of a deity that proportions each of our lifetime's lessons, I still believe that everyday challenges allow me to understand more about this life.

Anyway, among the many things that remain to be me, I still am afraid to be shallow (whatever that is) and I'm still scared of being a nobody (again, whatever that is). I still am very, very awkward. One of the things I've become that I'm not very proud of is how I've unleashed more meanness than I ever thought I was capable of. Maybe it was the attempt of fitting in, or reinforcing my self-esteem. Whatever it is, I hope that I don't end up becoming the person I once loathed (and still do).

Enough of the drama. Just thought of getting all these out of my system. Here's to a new career, a new life, and new lessons. 

Pushover

"I don’t intend to lose. You know, I was trained in athletics, I was being groomed to compete in the Olympics for the 100-meter dash event. I was taught that when running for a competition, never look back, even for a split second because that will cost you your victory. That metaphor has always stayed with me. If you have an objective, go for it. The science of consciousness tells you that you cannot break your focus because you will only hamper your own performance." - Nicanor Perlas, 2010 presidential candidate

I was reading an article about Nicanor Perlas the other day, and encountered this quote of his that stuck to me.

Now, before I begin, I want to clarify that I am not endorsing him. So far, I've yet to listen/read about his views on the Reproductive Health Bill (one of the factors I consider in choosing this year's president). Regardless of my support (or the lack of it) however, I have to say this very ballsy quote of his really struck a chord in me.

I admit, I rarely have a single-track mind. I always lose sight of my goal because more often than not, I end up doubting myself. There's always that part where I think that I can't do it -- that inner voice asking, "Can you really?" or "Is it the right path?" or "Will it matter?" Eventually I just lose heart and become disillusioned/apathetic about whatever it is I'm doing.

The problem about looking at the grand picture is that the grand picture gives me a perfect 360-degree view of what-the-fuck. The pessimist in me always sees everything as pointless, absurd, and utterly doomed to failure. It's always about propping the system to succeed, struggling to exist, and fighting for life. It traps me in thoughts on why the universe actually favored life to even happen at all, when all it does is punch the living in the gut with its rules.

And so I end up dismissing everything as useless -- like building sandcastles just so the next bully walking by can stomp on it and kick me in the face when he's done.

But then again, like in my previous post, maybe I just have to go on and do it.

Honestly, it's very obvious that I've been entertaining these thoughts a lot recently. Notice, I've been trying to encourage myself with canned motivational speeches. This is how desperate I am to push myself out of this rut. I'm so afraid of taking a leap and the chance to be somebody else. I fear too much that I'll fail that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. But I need to stop this because it's not making me any better. Not that I know what better is, but I'm sure as hell definite that it's not this.

I loathe being too much of a worrywart and pining over things of the past. I must cease romanticizing yesterday. Like that quote from "500 Days of Summer", I should take a good second look on what I had before. It's time I learned the lessons and moved forward with my life. This is a race and I have to win it. Focus like a laser.