There is always that feeling of loss, I guess. You go and you realize you've left people behind -- not intentionally, but like the innocent caught in war, they are left hurt. Not that you yourself aren't hurting but regardless, it was a pain that you chose to bear. They didn't choose to be where they are.
I should really stop being so over-dramatic about this but as I've mentioned time and again, I have terrible attachment/detachment issues. I've learned to control it more but control for me only means not letting people know about how awful I feel seeing others leave or seeing them left behind. I guess I'm selfish and possessive that way of the people I really care about. I have delusions oftentimes that I am really a magnanimous, caring, and welcoming soul but to be honest I am quite reserved, mostly distrustful of attention, and skeptical of any good thrown at my way when I can't see the benefit it brings to the do-gooder.
I think making people happy is of prime importance, and because I am so bent on doing this I am often caught in situations which I know I'd be truly ashamed of afterwards. I've been really mean at times to make other people laugh and I guess I deserve to pay the price for whatever bad thing I've done for the sake of humor. In my defense, when confronted in my aloneness, I rarely act this way. However, it does not justify any of actions.
Maybe it pains me to sever ties with people so much that I end up mimicking them. I can be lame like that.
But oh well.
Uhm.
Ok, I'm stark-raving mad and I'm rambling. It's 4 AM. And just because it is, I'm posting this Gwen Stefani song. No deeper meaning to it.
