Once again, things are changing. The wheel is moving once again and I've chosen to be in another place.
The realization came to me while traveling to work. I suppose I've never really thought much about the choices I've made the past few days, only picking what I thought were highly interesting, like a kid inside a candy store choosing the most colorful sweets. I guess I've never really confronted the gravity of my choices, not until the recent ride struck me with an epiphany that has now left me with an unsure smile on my face.
I am happy with my decision. For the record, I do not regret having decided on being part of yet another adventure. Brave new frontiers are always exciting -- unfamiliar landscapes, foreign cultures, a different set of people to mingle and talk to: all these things make the journey worth it. Yet, going to the next chapter of my life does not diminish the value of the last. If anything, I think the past two years have strengthened me enough to face the next challenge.
There are always regrets. Things I've done, things I should've done, things I shouldn't have, people I should've been braver to confront, people I should've been wiser to avoid -- there are always things that will make me feel bad. It's foolish to even think that there is nothing to regret about. But when I summon all the courage to say "no regrets", it is in the belief that regretting will only hamper my growth. There are lessons waiting to be learned and that's what I should focus on -- the wisdom I can take away from the craziness and impulsiveness of the past two years.
I've met people along the way and I hope I made positive contributions in their life. Some of them have already left for better opportunities; some are staying because they believe it is where their fate lies. Regardless of their motivations or reasons, I sincerely hope that I've affected them in ways that they will cherish for life. Not to be sappy about it, but then, we all hope for anchors to affirm our existence. In the end, perhaps there really is no good or bad, only nothingness and the peace of emptiness. Faced with that, I fervently wish that at least I've caused happiness in one way or another, or have atoned for my faults against them, whatever these wrongs may be.
The struggle really is in the daily details. And struggle, I have -- the cigarettes I should've thrown away, the cruel words I never should've uttered, and many other things. But what is done is done and one cannot do more about it except go on and be the better version of one's self. And I hope that's where I'm heading -- being the better me. As corny and as "Eat, Pray, Love" as it may sound, I just hope that I'm becoming better and I'm learning my lessons well. Although I staunchly affirm my disbelief of a deity that proportions each of our lifetime's lessons, I still believe that everyday challenges allow me to understand more about this life.
Anyway, among the many things that remain to be me, I still am afraid to be shallow (whatever that is) and I'm still scared of being a nobody (again, whatever that is). I still am very, very awkward. One of the things I've become that I'm not very proud of is how I've unleashed more meanness than I ever thought I was capable of. Maybe it was the attempt of fitting in, or reinforcing my self-esteem. Whatever it is, I hope that I don't end up becoming the person I once loathed (and still do).
Enough of the drama. Just thought of getting all these out of my system. Here's to a new career, a new life, and new lessons.
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