Pushover

"I don’t intend to lose. You know, I was trained in athletics, I was being groomed to compete in the Olympics for the 100-meter dash event. I was taught that when running for a competition, never look back, even for a split second because that will cost you your victory. That metaphor has always stayed with me. If you have an objective, go for it. The science of consciousness tells you that you cannot break your focus because you will only hamper your own performance." - Nicanor Perlas, 2010 presidential candidate

I was reading an article about Nicanor Perlas the other day, and encountered this quote of his that stuck to me.

Now, before I begin, I want to clarify that I am not endorsing him. So far, I've yet to listen/read about his views on the Reproductive Health Bill (one of the factors I consider in choosing this year's president). Regardless of my support (or the lack of it) however, I have to say this very ballsy quote of his really struck a chord in me.

I admit, I rarely have a single-track mind. I always lose sight of my goal because more often than not, I end up doubting myself. There's always that part where I think that I can't do it -- that inner voice asking, "Can you really?" or "Is it the right path?" or "Will it matter?" Eventually I just lose heart and become disillusioned/apathetic about whatever it is I'm doing.

The problem about looking at the grand picture is that the grand picture gives me a perfect 360-degree view of what-the-fuck. The pessimist in me always sees everything as pointless, absurd, and utterly doomed to failure. It's always about propping the system to succeed, struggling to exist, and fighting for life. It traps me in thoughts on why the universe actually favored life to even happen at all, when all it does is punch the living in the gut with its rules.

And so I end up dismissing everything as useless -- like building sandcastles just so the next bully walking by can stomp on it and kick me in the face when he's done.

But then again, like in my previous post, maybe I just have to go on and do it.

Honestly, it's very obvious that I've been entertaining these thoughts a lot recently. Notice, I've been trying to encourage myself with canned motivational speeches. This is how desperate I am to push myself out of this rut. I'm so afraid of taking a leap and the chance to be somebody else. I fear too much that I'll fail that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. But I need to stop this because it's not making me any better. Not that I know what better is, but I'm sure as hell definite that it's not this.

I loathe being too much of a worrywart and pining over things of the past. I must cease romanticizing yesterday. Like that quote from "500 Days of Summer", I should take a good second look on what I had before. It's time I learned the lessons and moved forward with my life. This is a race and I have to win it. Focus like a laser.