Secede to Succeed

"Evan is an engineer. He always got straight A's in school and excelled in subjects like math and biology. Evan is usually rejected socially because of his greasy hair and thick glasses. Do you wear glasses?!"

- from "You Can Be Anything! An Anti-Inspirational Guide to Adulthood" by Sarah Montague

In my pursuit for the maximum happiness and human experience, I am slowly accepting (slowly is the key word) that it is nearly impossible to be able to succeed in everything I aim to do.

And it's not just because of my own limitations. The world and circumstances create boundaries that hinder me from doing the best in everything I wish to be. Prejudices and skepticism are boxes that I cannot escape, and whether I convince myself that everything is all in the head, I don't think it's always valid to say that I can fit into different roles in a single lifetime. (Case in point: I don't think I've ever met, or will ever encounter, an ex-pornstar president or a cross-eyed quadriplegic catwalk model.)

Not to discriminate of course. This universe has its share of people who were able to fulfill different characters (like that racer Rael who's now the founder/leader of a UFO religion), but I really believe that those who managed to excel in their fields were the ones who remained focused in a single endeavor. As much as I think this shortchanges me of the experience that I crave for, I'm at the crossroad wherein I'm deciding whether or not I should settle for a single path and be the best in that, or remain stubborn and try to dedicate my life doing everything even if it might eventually mean I cannot gain recognition in those fields.

I think my indecisiveness about this stems from the fact that I still adhere to the concept that nothing is impossible. While the tagline works as a nice inspirational tug-at-the-heart slogan, I have to face the fact that I can't have it all and for every decision I make, I have to make sacrifices and learn to endure the consequences of these choices. It's irritating of course to hit that brick wall of mortality when I'm utterly convinced (in my megalomania) that I can do everything (as I've said, accepting this is a sloooooow process), but really by now, this should help me learn to put my best time, effort, and resources into something that will yield the most benefits.

And by benefits, I do not necessarily refer to money. While I'm no longer as cheeky as before to claim that money is not a factor when it comes to my decision-making (oh those were the young and foolish days which we're never looking back at again), I am still convinced that self-fulfillment remains to be a prime motivator in assessing things. However, I'm re-assessing my definition of self-fulfillment because for some reason I've somehow associated it with immediate gratification. This evidently makes it difficult for me to endure strenuous situations -- clouding my decision-making enough to make me hit the escape button the moment everything becomes too uncomfortable and unsure.

Going back to my previous entry, I should be able to comfortably forget about the uncertainty of the future and trust that perseverance and a burning passion to succeed will be enough to bring me whatever it is I want. I should give myself 20 years to determine if I've actually achieved whatever it is I want to be. Now if I end up being one of those sob stories I've heard too much about, there is always the option to try one more role I've always been fascinated to take: the crazy old hobo who shits on the sidewalk and argues with himself. (So far, I already dress like one and I constantly have batshit crazy debates with myself so I'm not exactly far removed from this future haha)

Tempus Agit

Now is my master. While riding the jeep on the way to work, looking at the passing people hurrying to get to their offices, I realized that I am enslaved by the idea that TODAY might be the only chance I have. I am so engrossed with the fear that constantly thinking/preparing for the future shortchanges me with my experience of now. 

That is likely the reason why I hate waiting. Waiting is always the anticipation of something that hasn't come yet. It's postponing certain decisions in lieu of something grand to come along the way. But in an age of pro-activity and self-empowerment, waiting leaves you powerless in the hands of the unforeseeable future. Of course, while we've arranged the world to comfortably be predictable most of the time, the possibility of a surprising turn of events still lies there somewhere, ready to pounce on you when you least expect it.

Everyone has heard sad stories about people who believed tomorrow offered a better promise than today: that mister who grinds himself to the ground saving up for the future until a sudden accident kills him. Or that lady who pines for her husband who went missing -- staying loyal until the end because she had faith he would show up one day. The poor people who grin and bear the sufferings they endure because they hope that the heavens see their plight and will give them their just rewards, whether in this lifetime or the next. 

While we appeal to probability and hope that there is a bright and better future reserved for us, who knows what the future really holds? All I know is that now is the only tangible thing. The future is a concept that might not even arrive for me. Yes, my senses delude me, my emotions deceive me, but rationality isn't what makes me human. Experiences shape who I am -- and these highs in life that I pursue, while fleeting and ephemeral, are what give me meaning and make my life worthwhile.

HOWEVER, while fear drives me to create the maximum human experience for today, fear also feeds me thoughts of having nothing tomorrow. Thus I am torn apart between the now and the future. I feel like I am St. Anthony in Martin Schongauer's engraving being pulled from all sides by these demons of time. I really should find balance and learn to serve two masters.