Because I Entertain These Thoughts

Sometimes, I feel like I'm standing still and everything's changing way too faster than I want. 

You'd think that this is contradictory to my previous journal entry which said that I'm okay with the changes. But this is not meant to serve as a recantation of what I've written. On the contrary, I stand by it -- I am happy with those life changes. But I refer to other changes this time. The changes of life in general, of everything surrounding me, of a generation passing by, waving goodbye, as new things come and eventually overtake me. 

Am I moving too slowly? Am I too cautious? Why is it that I feel like I'm not doing enough to effect changes in my life? I feel utterly lacking. I feel like I'm letting life pass me by as I blindly trudge on, complacently reassured by the new things I'm seemingly adding to my life, only to realize that these so-called life-changing decisions are but minuscule additions to my existence, or to the entire transformation of life? 



Is it the unavoidable quarter-life crisis? Then again, I've always been existential. Right now, I just feel like I should do more, squeeze myself dry of everything I can do. I want to be something, and I want to affirm myself of my worth. There is a pressing need to establish myself and prove to myself that I am deserving of something.

I am standing at a crossroad, thinking that I should do all of these, while also convinced that nothing is important in the end. I am perpetually discouraged by the futility of existence and this hinders me from achieving what should be done. I want to be so many things at the same time I am being stretched and spread to thinly, and I become confused of what I really should be doing. 

I envy single-minded people. I know I can be like that but it will perhaps take me tremendous effort to be like that. I am scared of failures and to dedicate one's life in the pursuit of a single endeavor is a scary idea. What if I fail? What if I never make it to the top? It is a scary proposition. And I know I should block out negative thoughts but paranoia is this monstrous parasite attached at the back of my head, whispering that I won't be able to make it, and really, trying is pointless.

Am I doomed?

Perhaps.