Plain, Without a Need to Explain

Awhile ago, I took a side trip with Avery to the clothing store at Mile Hi near the Manor in Camp John Hay, Baguio to buy clothes. Since I wasn't able to have some of my clothes laundered, I had to buy extra clothes to make it through tomorrow. After looking at a few shirts on display, I opted to get the plain t-shirts that were for sale.


Later tonight when I was wearing one of the shirts I bought (I know, I know -- unhygienic), I realized that I wish I was as low-maintenance as these tees. Simple, unencumbered, and free. No embellishments, no dramas, and no distractions.


I think it's time I embraced who I really am -- the me before I went through that phase when I realized that being me was the ultimate boredom. Maybe it's the right moment to go back and re-assess the things I truly am before I craved for affirmation from others.

Somewhere along the way I think I took a wrong turn and thought that having people tell me my worth would actually prove my worth. But I don't think it works that way. I should learn to be more assured of who I really am instead of trying to have people praise me. It's never that fulfilling anyway. The more I fill myself of these empty words, the easier I'll crumble. I don't need that.

I just need to be myself. Plain and simple. I don't need attention. I should be just happy being me.

Eagle-eye Vision is for Eagles

Sometimes, the key to happiness is delayed knowledge. At times, you only need to know enough to get you through the day, through the hour, through the minute, through the second. Just your portion to get you to survive for the moment -- nothing more.

It's the metaphor of the miracle of manna. I'm not big on the Bible and I believe that it's not holier than the next bestselling Coelho out there but it does have a number of beautiful metaphors to encourage you to go on with life. This Old Testament story of sustenance given to wandering Jews is an example. And the lesson is to take it one day at a time -- never to worry too much about what the future holds.

You only need enough to last you for the present; any more, and you sink in a downward spiral of madness. The future will come. The universe will expand at its own pace. Nothing you can do can make it can go any faster or slower. Everyone should exist to enjoy every breath, and take delight in the little servings of happiness whenever it comes. People need to be in the moment. When in grief, be sad. When angry, explode. You can always be sorry afterwards; you can make up for it later on. People will always affect people. To step out of one's emotions is to cease to be human. You shouldn't shortchange yourself of the experience by being too analytical, by being too calculating, by being too sly and paranoid about the next move.

You only need to guide yourself with love. I agree with a friend's recent post in Facebook: everything expires. You can't stop degradation or destruction. Again, the law of entropy will always lead us to disorder and disaster. But if you let love guide you, then you can make things better whatever the circumstance offers on your plate. Maybe you'll die before science even discovers human immortality, but in any case, if you did things passionately, step by step, everything will be all right when it's your turn to go.

Despite how I make broad strokes with these life statements, I think I am writing grains of truth. I won't declare it as canon law though. Things after all are different for everyone. But just for the sake of sanity, I will do this little by little. Baby steps. I'm not perfect just like everybody else. And just like everybody else I want to be alive. I don't understand what life really means and its OK. Nobody does and nobody will.

It's ok. It's just the way it is. I'm closing my eyes to the big picture. For today I only want the now.

Melancholy Vagabond

I'm currently at a hotel somewhere in Pampanga for the first stop-over of the anti-cervical cancer cycling tour I'm covering for work. Sitting by the foot of the bed, typing like crazy is my accounts officer-slash-friend. The television is on, and showing right this very moment is a Vin Diesel action flick that neither of us is watching. The window to my right frames an afternoon sky where the wind makes the trees wave slowly.

Awhile ago, while taking a bath, I thought about how hotel rooms radiate a certain sadness. I thought how, for a moment, you take temporary residence in a strange, unfamiliar place and try to feel at home inside a room where many have settled in as well. Before you came in, these strange people also found comfort within the four corners you now familiarize yourself with. And like these people, you will have to leave this room, along with traces of yourself, and after you another person will check in and leave his or her own memories inside this room as well.

Call it a metaphor for how I see relationships. Maybe that's the thing why I find hotel rooms bittersweet: it's because of the memories each of these spaces left with me -- of lovers found and lovers lost, a meeting and a parting, kisses and then goodbyes.

People are like rooms, their hearts are beds you bury yourself in -- only to wake up one day and discover that you are no longer welcome, or you were never welcome to begin with. You are only a transient in these rooms, but you hope that maybe, just maybe, one of those rooms will be home.

But they are not your home: the only home you have is your own heart.

(But it doesn't mean you can't steal the toiletries inside the hotel bathroom as souvenirs)

if there's one part of your body that you want to change, what would it be?

Hmmm. My eyes I guess. I find being myopic uncomfortable.

Or my thyroid gland. I wish I had a perfectly-functioning one from birth so I didn't have to get surgery for it. Now I have to take hormone supplements for a lifetime.

I'm so indecisive. Meh.

The only stupid questions are those you do not ask. So ask!

it's me :-) glad to know you're great. are you busy?

Me who? I'm not psychic, haha -- what's your name?

Yes, I've been quite busy. I just got promoted (yay!) and I need to step up and be more responsible. I'm thinking on how to improve my writing, as well as find more venues to get my writing out there, like the upcoming Palanca Awards.

This weekend, I'm doing a coverage outside of Manila. I'm excited because it's for an anti-cervical cancer advocacy. While this will take me away from my work-out routine, it'll also be my first out-of-town coverage that'll span days so I guess I should be more happy than frustrated.

So what have you been doing lately? :-)

The only stupid questions are those you do not ask. So ask!